It’s important to know everything about your fishing guide….especially the warm, personal, juicy stuff. Here at RBMF, when you meet your guide we want it to be a meaningful, touchy-feely experience…that’s why we search far and wide for only the very best…a friend for life. Just like a warm puppy!
Meet them:
Buckley Royce Wilson Bigsby…we call him “Bucky”. A lot of fishing guides have only three names…this guy has FOUR! Can ya dig it? When he’s not out there guiding on the water, you can find him on his phone talking to his broker and checking on his portfolio. Cool! He wants to be your friend.
Wet Willie…One of our top guides until he passes out, a day on the water with Willie is the adventure of a lifetime. Famous for his “hold my beer and watch this” trick , he does a backward somersault off the back of the boat, bounces off a boulder and shimmys downstream. So much fun!
Muffy Remington Steele…You bet we have hot chicks guiding for us and Muffy tops the list! Her specialty is taking selfies sitting on a rock while her clients read poetry. Her laid back attitude makes her perfect for those shy, creative types who are afraid to express themselves. Hobbies include picking pansies and drinking tulip juice. Give Muffy a try!
Rooster DaHoe…he bad, we glad, yo.
“If ya wanna get hip, ya gotta hit da slick
Ya be a betta caster, if ya gotta ghetto blaster
If ya don’t mend da line, ya gonna do time
I tow da boat wit a Caddy, cause I am def-nit-lee yo Daddy!”
Wynken, Blynken and Ned. For those group trips, these boys are good! Specializing in three-boat floats, birthdays, weddings, frat parties. Since they all have trust funds, YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE TO PAY THEM!
Tiffany Twist…for that special occasion when you want the very best. “Tee” will do her “T-thing” for you at lunch. All of her riverside shows include her collapsible pole which she sets up under a cottonwood tree along with her swinging hand cuffs and portable waterfall. All of her fishing guests receive an autographed poster of Tiffany doing the “Russian Doggie Down”.
Coque de Mi Rey...”Coco” for short. Whatta trip! A day on the river with this guy goes fast! Watch as he takes you to his secret spots, disappears into the bushes, digs a tunnel and comes out a hoppin’ and a boppin’ and a singin’ his song. Highlight of the day is when you catch a good fish he whips out his Glock and fires off three quick rounds…POW, POW, POW!
Caleb Christopher Joshua Ethan Jones. “Cal” wants you to like him even if you get skunked on the river. Millennials get a bad rap he says, and he utterly, literally, totally, really, truly feels threatened. When he’s not on the river, Caleb spends time at home trimming his beard and trying to figure out how his Keurig coffee machine works while texting selfies of his private parts to his girl friend Lexie. He offers a free range, all organic, gluten free fisherman’s lunch topped off with a kale smoothie and a Kit Kat. After lunch, everybody lays down on a yoga mat and detoxifies. Caleb loves being a fishing guide even though he admits he doesn’t know jack squat about spawning redds or the difference between a salmon and a tuna…. but he hears all that stuff is “cool.” His favorite part of fishing is when his anglers catch a fish…”you totally nailed it, brah.” Book Caleb and let him share his feelings with you!
Grizzly Winchester...Sometimes we call him “Old Goat Breath”. Sorry to say old Griz has seen his better days but he still knows the river better than most. He pretty much hates everything on earth including himself and usually builds a fire at lunch even if its 100 degrees in the shade so he can tell anyone who will listen about the good old days when he used to be a government trapper and fought mountain lions with his bare hands and killed every Indian and outlaw he ever met singlehanded. By the time he is done with his tales everyone is sound asleep.
Aspen Aurora Borealis…Aspen does bird watching, scenic float trips and foraging expeditions. Her trips are very popular but sometimes go a little haywire. Last spring, when sneaking up on a nest of Great Horned Owls, one of Aspen’s guests got attacked and had his eyes pecked out by the enraged mother. And just this summer, another client ate some funny looking mushrooms and saw Jesus for three weeks! Oh well.
Ricky Rotten…Used to front a group: “Ricky Rotten and The Rocka-Teens” but went nowhere. Burned out and became a fishing guide but still calls himself “The Rick” and made a TV commercial. Still talks about himself in the first person: “The Rick says cast right behind that boulder”…”The Rick says mend your line”…”The Rick says your casting really sucks”, etc. His act gets old after awhile especially when he whips out the guitar at lunch and plays a medley of his hit: “My Baby Left Me In A Purple Haze and Now I’m Gonna Slit My Throat”
Dharma and Karma…for those couples trips, these two will make it special. They provide blankets, scented candles and soft music. Famous for their shore lunches: a mixed salad of bark, twigs and granola…with a main course of tofu, brown rice, hemp seed and blessed chicken. “D & K”, as we like to call them, hold each other’s hands for most of the day and when you are not fly fishing they respectfully ask that you hold hands, too. I mean, even if you can’t stand the person you’re with, how can it hurt? At the end of the day, Karma has everybody hold hands at the boat ramp while Dharma fires up the bong and everybody sings “Blowin’ in the Wind”. Groovy.
Meet Foxy Roxy…her “For Men Only” trips are famous for her “Thong Lunches” during which she models undergarments in various styles and colors while grilling cheeseburgers and opening beer cans for the guys. These trips are getting really popular so book early and tip big!
Ladies Only!…Ok gals…you can only pick one…pick a name: L to R…Hunky, Lance, Biff, Rocky, Romeo, Tarzan. Winners announced before fishing season begins. Private lap dancing float trips available on request (fishing gear optional).
His Eminence the Holy One Swami Rajneesh Flyfishwithmeforcash Bwana. You can call him “Bagman”. He is starting a fly fishing “GoFundMe” page with all the proceeds going to his own blessed self. Send all you can. It will truly be a spiritual event in your life. His fly fishing schools are famous for enlightenment and awakening. Shed all your worldly possessions and send them his way. Cash, Mastercard, Money Orders, Wire Transfers, Pay Pal, Blank Checks, Lotto Tickets…all offers accepted. And always remember…the more you send the better it gets! Bless you.
